Mom Went to Assisted Living

[lesa]

I know it is tough, but I think you made the right decision. It can just become too great a burden. Had to make the nursing home choice for my mother. Never easy- but for the first time I could sleep through the night, and not be on pins and needles waiting for my Dad to call- to tell me she had fallen again. I lost count how many nights I spent in the emergency room with her. I tell my daughter to leave all kinds of dangerous things within arms reach when I get old...she better do it.

 

[baymule]

Does your mom have other children to help?

My brother died 2 years ago. He was a Marine, Viet Nam veteran, no telling what he was exposed to....... He was one of the disabled, neglected vets in the VA system. He went to the VA in Houston, steadily getting worse, finally fell one night and an ambulance had to come get him up. Took him to the hospital where a civilian doctor finally gave him a diagnosis. He had Shy-Drager disease, a degenerative neurological disorder, multiple-system atrophy, like Parkinson's on steroids. No cure and no treatment. But he spent 5 years going to the VA for what? Watching him die, losing muscular control until he could only flutter his eyelids in response was terrible.

sorry, got on my VA soapbox........

My sister lives an hour away, her husband has COPD, heart disease (has had heart surgeries) and is on oxygen. My sister has Polymyositis, a degenerative muscular disease in the MDS family, but extremely rare. She is under treatment and is in remission. She has her own problems to deal with. I don't expect any help from her, we talk and she gives me moral support.

 

[seedcorn]

No problem on VA rant. We treat our military worse than animals at vet.

 

[canesisters]

Thank you for sharing this whole part of your life with us @baymule.

 

[baymule]

Today and yesterday I am going through piles and piles and piles of junk mail mixed with investment statements, credit card statements, old greeting cards and general mis-mash of mess. I have to sift through one page at a time, can't throw the stack away, who knows what's in it. Yesterday I found her DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) certificate enclosed in between the pages of a magazine like piece of junk mail that made wild health claims that would make you think if you spent $39.95, you would live forever. Really? Not the stupid junk mail, but she stuck the DAR certificate inside the pages of it. Gheesh.

 

[journey11]

I know that must be a very time consuming job. And most of it will be junk, unfortunately.

One of the credit bureaus has my birthdate listed as 1933 (and won't fix it) and I get floods of junk mail of that sort, sweepstakes, AARP, Beltone hearing aids, diabetic supplies, etc. It is disgraceful how those companies are allowed to relentlessly solicit and attempt to take advantage of our elders. Much less the waste of paper and the postman's time.

My 84-year-old neighbor gets a lot of those ponzy schemes, health info fads or other such scams in the mail. He has fallen for several and continues to do so. It's very difficult to convince some folks otherwise when they get stuck on a bit of false info like that. My DH's grandpa also had a problem with that. It can get them very worked up and upset. It's horrible and predatory. I wish there was something that could be done about these junk mailings.

 

[baymule]

I just finished going through 3 stacks of papers I fished out of the trash after Mom "cleaned". I tried to head her off, but I'm sure things hit the trash that didn't need to. Sure enough the papers I just went through had her social security number all over them. I hid them in another room until I could go through them. They are in the bag of papers to be burned now.

 

[the1honeycomb]

It was a difficult decision. I talked it over with her and she agreed that it is the best option. When we close on the place we are buying 160 miles from here, I will be gone a lot, fixing the house, replacing floors, painting, building fence, building a chicken coop and moving stuff. I explained to her that I couldn't leave her alone and I couldn't drag her back and forth with me. She immediately countered that she could stay by herself and I reminded her that she can no longer so much as operate the microwave to heat something up to eat. The stroke robbed her of so much of her abilities. So we took the tour of the 2 places in town, selected one and moved her in 1 1/2 weeks ago.

She has a private room with her own furniture. She is settling in and learning other people's names. Today I picked her up to take her to her church group domino game. I went in while she was still eating lunch, the conversation went like this;
Mom-Look on that sign up there and see what I'm having for lunch.
Me-Fish, shrimp, cole slaw, French fries and chocolate cake.
Mom-I don't like this crab (chewing the "crab")
Me-That's not crab, it's shrimp.
Mom-Is it? Which one? (I point out the shrimp) They have a new waitress here, yesterday she gave me a little glass of milk.
The nurse came by talking with the residents and asked Mom about her lunch.
Mom-I don't much care for this crab. (chewing on a piece of shrimp)

This conversation was repeated 5 times. We got in the car and she told me again about not liking the crab and her little glass of milk. I just act like it's a new conversation. Reminding her that has already been said does no good and only serves to confuse her more.

Only now can I relax and know that my Mom is ok. I had to run errands sometimes and she didn't want to go, so I had to hurry to whatever I was doing and anxiously hurry back. Would I find her in the floor? Would she decide to take a walk in my absence? Would she go in the front yard and some weirdo see an old lady by herself and knock her in the head? Telling her to remain in the house or go in the backyard was like talking to a rock. Even while I was home, I don't know how many times she went out the front door without saying a word to me and took off up the street. A few times she took her car keys out of my purse while I was in the back yard and took off. I had to hide them under my mattress. Not until her license expired did she give up on driving her car. We had some knock-down arguments about it.

My husband has been a real good man about this. Our lives shut down while we cared for Mom. We went nowhere, did nothing, unless we got a sitter and we could only be gone for a short time. Last weekend, he had 4 days off and we stayed on the go, I guess because all of a sudden, we could go when and where we wanted to and for as long as we wanted to.

When we get moved (planning on the end of the year) then we'll have to tackle moving Mom up there. She has already told some of her friends she's not going. She may very well decide to stay right here if her church friends visit her like I think they will. That will only make it that much harder for me to do anything for her, but we'll see.

 

[the1honeycomb]

I know it is the most difficult decision to allow someone else to care for yuor loved ones, It sounds like she has great company and they are taking care of her well. it is time for you to live your life now and let her enjoy her new friends,

 

[so lucky]

Today and yesterday I am going through piles and piles and piles of junk mail mixed with investment statements, credit card statements, old greeting cards and general mis-mash of mess. I have to sift through one page at a time, can't throw the stack away, who knows what's in it. Yesterday I found her DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) certificate enclosed in between the pages of a magazine like piece of junk mail that made wild health claims that would make you think if you spent $39.95, you would live forever. Really? Not the stupid junk mail, but she stuck the DAR certificate inside the pages of it. Gheesh.

My dad hid money all over the place--even in the car. He would forget where he hid it, or even that he had it to hide. We found envelopes of $100 bills in books, old suit pockets, under dresser scarves.....