Gardening with the Old Folks

[Greensage45]

Maybe if folks had more kids at least one of them would turn out as good as you Steve, or you 4grand, or you HiD! But then again, they could all become politicians! LOL

I guess saying 'communicating' helps, but I don't know much about that myself. Perhaps your father sees all of these as so temporary that it is wasteful to worry about such things as fixing up or repairing. Perhaps it is "out of sight, out of mind".

I think each of us has to face our own old age knowing that some part of what came before us is within us, so seeing our future is like looking at the past.

I know that in my mother's family everyone dies exactly at 65. They are peaceful people for the most part. In my dad's family they all live to be 100, but they are dying for half that time and suck the life-forces out of everyone around them. They are not peaceful people. So given my 50/50 chance of living and dying, being nice and being a witch, I would say that I should last a few more years still!

No children here. So my demise will likely be a lonely battle with myself. This is a comforting thought. I keep reminding myself to put an acorn in my pocket so that one day when I rest in the garden I will become a tree!

Ron

 

[4grandbabies]

I dont know that I would list myself as a "good" person, I think I am just a person getting thru life the best I can. I did not meant to paint an over rosy pic, with as many years as scanned thru my life story, there were days that were not diamonds, but as a whole, I think we all did our best..at least what we thought was best at the time.. It would be impossible to live thru a life of intertwined lives, without its share of misunderstandings etc. But again, in the big pic, it has worked well for our family so far. As my signature states, live and let live, we all will face challenges that we have to figure out according to all personalities involved, and there has to be some give and take.
Obsessed, the biggest gift to give your self is to bury the regrets, and live for what is ahead. Forgive yourself, do what you can for your mom, and maybe she will mellow.,if not, then she owns how things turn out for herself. You obviously had it really tough, and that had to affect how you reacted at that time.

 

[Broke Down Ranch]

There is so much my mother passed down to me that I never knew until she was gone. I guess I was lucky - I inherited the love of gardening, my sister's inherited the love of alcohol. There isn't a day that goes by I don't wish she could taste a fresh tomato from my garden. Or gripe at me for how rough my hands are - sometimes I can feel her holding my hands in hers and rubbing them with her baby-soft skin, telling me I work too hard.

I miss her very much. I would give anything to have just one more BAD moment with her - it would be better than none at all.

 

[digitS']

Well, God Bless You All .

I just wrote for about 15 minutes complaining about the old fellow.

I think it is best for me to have deleted all that and just go with what Broke had to say.

I'm plenty frustrated but I'd better just let it go . . .

Steve

 

[Broke Down Ranch]

Well, God Bless You All .

I just wrote for about 15 minutes complaining about the old fellow.

I think it is best for me to have deleted all that and just go with what Broke had to say.

I'm plenty frustrated but I'd better just let it go . . .

Steve

No, you certainly have every right to be frustrated. My mother used to aggravate me to NO END. SHe would always call at THE most inopportune time - my husband and I used to joke that she had sonar or something and could just know when to interrupt. And sometimes it seemed like she ALWAYS needed help even with stuff she was perfectly capable of doing. And even tho my mom is gone, I do not take back any of those frustrating feelings or aggravated moments because that was all part of who we were. So cherish even your ticked-off feelings because that is all part of it....

 

[HiDelight]

hope you feel better today?

I will leave you with this one ..my father in law may he rest in peace ..lived with us until I married him off

would stand the kitchen with a HUGE cloud of nasty smelling cigarette smoke coming out of the garbage disposal and every morning tell me "I did not smoke in here dont you have something better to do than worry about what I am doing"
btw I never said a word I just walked by him ..made a face like I was going to puke and held my nose!

Yup that was my daily greeting!

and he loved me

and I love and miss him
(yup he died of emphysema but at 77 and started smoking at 10)

I have had older folks torture me to bits ..emotionally and sometimes physically .. and also have the funniest stories on the planet now ..

I did set limits inside myself and that made me think I had some control over these folks! but no way did I

good luck I hope you feel better today

 

[digitS']

Thank you, HiD,

I think that Dad and my relationship has moved on to a different stage. It was like that with my mom when her health began to fail - she changed, a lot.

Dad's life's motivation, I'm beginning to understand, has been INDEPENDENCE. It may have been a result of the Depression crashing down on him when he was very young. His parents weren't able to be of much help to any of their sons and they "blew away" to the 4 corners of the country after WW2 and, really, before that. A couple brothers' whereabouts wasn't even known until near the ends of their lives or after their death. Contact was lost almost between all 7 of them. Yep, 7 brothers and no sisters . . . .

This strong desire for independence cannot play out, in the final years of his life, in a co-operative fashion. I think my gardening in his backyard gave Dad some real pleasure for a few years but his activities are "re-directed" these days. And, as he has become a non-participant, his interest in my activities has waned and seem to even have become distorted, if I may be permitted to say so.

My brother is a lot like Dad. He's going to have to take the lead on this. I just have expectations that have been built on decades of relating to the two of them - Mom and Dad.

Things are different now but I can see better how very important my relationship is, with my own children .

Steve

 

[Ridgerunner]

I think all of us could tell good and bad stories about our relationship with parents and how they change. Mine could be about how thrilled I am when my mother-in-law with Alzheimer's not only recognized that I am her son-in-law but actually recalls my name. That means she is having a very good day. Or her husband who is strongly motivated by duty, to his wife, his friends, and his community. Or my mother who constantly complains about how her granddaughter takes advantage of her as far as babysitting, yet complains when she does not see the kids. For a while when I went to visit Mom, I would try to do something to help; work on plumbing problems, prune fruit trees, cut the grass, clean up, whatever needed doing. I finally realized she did not want me doing that. She just wanted to see me.

But the image I'll leave is one of my father. All he ever wanted to be was a farmer. In his last years, he would go outside in the garden and pull weeds. He had to sit down to pull them as he could not stand or stoop. Sometimes when the weeds would come lose suddenly he would fall over and could not always get sitting back up on his own. Some family members were upset that Mom let him do this and even helped him to the garden and back. I looked at it as him doing something he loved.

 

[digitS']

These are all great stories.

I think relationships with parents can be difficult and wonderful.

They are probably always complex.

Steve

 

[desertcat]

This thread is really touching a nerve today. I'm putting in a flower garden at my Mom's for her to enjoy...and trying to let it be HER garden, not one of mine.

Like Steve, I was going to unload some more, but let's just leave it at "I love my Mom". :bouquet