Grandkid # 7 on the way

[Smart Red]

Oh, @murphysranch! I hope your DD gets a handle on his behavior. If the parent can't control a child at six, there is little help for properly rearing that child at 16. 'Normal' behavior for a five to six year old is wanting to please the adults in their life and wanting to mimic everything that the adults do.

Is your grandson hyperactive? Actually, that doesn't matter all that much. It is still the parents' task to set limits and help develop self-control in a child. For hyperactive children the process takes longer and needs to be worked in shorter sessions, but I have worked with hyperactive children that were wonderfully challenging. Disrespect and disobedience is never acceptable behavior at any age.

Does your DD live with you? That certainly will make working with your grandson more difficult, but you need to set limits and let the boy know what you expect in behavior. Emphasize and comment on the things he does right as much as possible, but hold firm on how you expect to be treated.

To many I was seen as a teacher without strict discipline, but I never had a student behave in a disrespectful way to me (more than once) and because I respected them and let them know it, I was able to engage my students in doing more hands on, out-of-our-seat activities. Perhaps they were a little more noisy than the class next door working on ditto sheets, but it was directed noise related to learning.

My students learned that good behavior meant we could all have more fun and do more things while learning. Even the school's most problem children behaved differently for me (and all wanted to be in my class someday, sigh).

You can and should expect proper behavior toward you from your grandson. If mom counteracts what you are trying to do, perhaps you need to have her make other living arrangements. You need to be able to work one-on-one with your grandson without interference to change behaviors -- yours and his -- for his development, his future. Good behavior training is not punishment it is freeing for the child. Children need to know what to expect from the adults in their world and need to know expectations are consistent and loving.

 

[Smart Red]

Oh, I so wish were closer and could do some modeling. I know there are some bad, just plain-antisocial people in the world, but I would never, ever give up on a child. Not one of mine, not one of anybody's. Hey, but then I ask children in the grocery store to change their behavior, so what do I know?

 

[Smart Red]

Little story just because it is too hot outside to work.

I had a student in fourth grade (lets call him Billy) that already had a terrible reputation as a problem child that started before pre-k. None of the special teachers -- music, art, phy ed, etc -- wanted him in their class. It seemed that a class had barely started when this boy was on his way to the office for mis-behavior.

Never expected he wouldn't end up in my classroom. Such is my luck(?) so we started the year together. As time went on I noticed the boy wasn't all that noisy or bad. It was more that he was reactionary. That is, he reacted to other's behaviors. Example: Johnny dropped his pencil. Billy instantly jumps up shouting, "What happened? Who did that? Is that Johnny's pencil?"

The teacher, who never noticed Johnny's pencil falling hears only Billy's LOUD questions which are heard as unnecessary noise. The teacher assumes that Billy is causing a classroom problem and needs to be sent out.

This is what I was seeing happen. I addressed the behavior with Billy. "Yes, Billy, you noticed what happened. That's good. But is there a better way to respond than yelling out in class?" In a very short time my classroom didn't have a serious problem with Billy's behavior. BUT the special teachers -- as well as the lunchroom staff -- were still complaining to me about how bad Billy was and still sending him out of their rooms.

I began sitting in on the special classes -- yes, giving up my free time/work time -- telling the teachers that I would correct Billy but no one else in the class. They would not correct Billy, but deal with everyone else. I did not sit beside Billy nor hover over him, but he knew I was in the room for him. It took a few classes (30 minutes a week isn't all that long) before the teachers realized I seldom needed to correct Billy and realized that there were far more problem children in the room than Billy.

As they were busy reprimanding all those children who had been feeding Billy's reactive nature for so many years they came to realize that Billy was not the instigator of trouble. Once they stepped back to see why Billy was reacting, they could address the real problems and move on. Thereafter, he was seldom kicked out of a specials classroom. (Of course it also helped that he knew he wasn't being sent to the office to be yelled at, but sent back to me to witness my disappointment and work on class things.

Billy, in special ed for emotional problems since pre-K, seldom left my classroom to go to those special ed classes. Instead he became a full member of our classroom -- not a perfect student as he was still all boy -- but able to learn and work along with the "normal" classroom.

@murphysranch, I guess what I'm trying to show is that you may have to change your behavior toward your "Billy" before he will change his behavior toward you. Try to address the why of his behavior not the what. Loving consistency tempered with positive attention (I rather prefer a bit of humor) just may get you a grandchild you won't have to forgive (and love) each morning, but look forward to (and love more) each day.

 

[Rhodie Ranch]

Its sad that my DD and SIL live in AR, while I live in CA. We only get to have him summers, and yes, his behavior has continued to deteriorate. Both DD and SIL have "degrees" in child dev/psychology, so they see nothing wrong. The kids leave in 7 days, so I have 7 restarts still available to me! Thanks Red.

Sorry to hijack the wonderful news of the newest grandchild on the way.

 

[bobm]

No problem murphy ! our oldest grandson is having his 16th birthday on the 5th. This summer, He has discovered that he can bbq all kinds of hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken, etc. without burning them and that friends and family actually enjoys his cullinary skills. School starts in 3 weeks , so he will have to hit the books hard as he will be taking college credit cources along with his regular class work at the start of his Jr. year in High School.

 

[catjac1975]

There can never be too many grandchildren.

 

[Smart Red]

Still not on topic thread, but have you considered both boys (AMKuska and yours) have passion. Kuska for his instrument and yours for misbehavior, but still passion. Your grandson needs to have his passion redirected somehow.

Could his behavior be related to wanting to go home? Of the "If I am bad they won't want me" sort? Or could he feel his sibs are getting more attention than he is? Being away from Mom and Dad can be difficult for that age. Perhaps we can talk again on another thread before next summer. For his own sake he needs to learn structure and expected behavior.

How are his siblings behaving? What are their ages? It is wonderful of you to take the Grands for part of the summer as you do -- both for yourself to build loving ties with the children and for their parents to have together (or more schooling) time.

 

[Rhodie Ranch]

His birth sibling is a 9 yr old girl who is a joy. His other sibling by his father lives in Seattle with the mom. He's a good kid too at 13.

Yes, I am building memory time for them, regardless of the issues. Lots of camping, and playing, going from hot inland Oregon to Monterey Bay on the beach to the Aquarium, to Nana's house (my mother) and such. Good memories of summers with Grammy and Grandpa.