My Dad

[Gardening with Rabbits]

I am going thought the same with my dad. My father has made it very clear he wants to die at home. I can only hope he goes fast, if I find him alive but helpless I don't know if I would have the strength not to call 911.

When my dad died it was unexpected. Earlier in the day and a couple of years before when he had a similar episode, he refused to go to the hospital. Looking back and all I know now, I would have called the ambulance. Once you are down, you lose rights around me if I have to take care of you and live with my inaction or actions. My dad caused untold heartache. Anybody goes down around me, you better be prepared for the ambulance ride. DH had a seizure. He did not know he had one, but in the ER, he started coming around and all he knows is he was sitting at his desk and next in ER. He was so mad at me. He would not talk to me for awhile. Once he fell on the ice, years ago. He came in the house and had snow on his back, holding his hands like on his chest. I kept asking are you alright and he would not answer. I called 911. By the time they got there, he was talking and yelling and mad. They knocked on the door and he would not let them in or let them look at him. I told him, anybody goes down around me, too bad. After what happened with my dad and also years before the ice incident with DH, he fell again on the ice. He told me he was fine and just wanted to go to bed. I found him about 5 in the morning sitting in a chair having trouble breathing. I started looking him over and he had a bruise on his back as big as a saucer and I called 911, 3 ambulances arrived. Put him on a stretcher, gave him oxygen, ended up with 5 broken ribs, a vertebra and 5 days in the hospital. He would have been better to have gone to the ER when I wanted to take him when it first happened. I really do not understand people not wanting helping. Every time I have had to go to the hospital, 3 times, 2 childbirth and last summer with pulmonary embolism, and I almost did not want to leave that last time. Almost like being on vacation. Can I get you anything, coffee, tea, water, fluff your pillow?

 

[digitS']

We just do the best we can and the best we can think of, caring for others.

Mom was signed up for hospice and @Nyboy , it might be a good thing for you to talk to them, months/years before necessary. Mom had heart problems. She was kind of doing okay. I knew hospice was involved but wasn't sure what that meant.

Dad had knee replacement. I was transportation, even took Mom in to visit him in the hospital. Proud of her - I was there every day. Staying around, checking her meds but she was up and doing things for herself. Proud of her.

A few days after Dad came home, I get a call in the middle of the night, "I don't think she is going to make it. What should I do?" "Call the ambulance!"

Dad couldn't drive. I picked him up and we went on to the hospital. Three days there, three weeks in a nursing home - she was walking again! Brought her home, she was obviously happy, talking, looking out the window.

Three months later she was right back in that bed. That time, I'd learned my lesson. Let her decide and she had, months before.

Steve

 

[Nyboy]

My dad watched my mom in hospice it was a great place but think they kept my mother alive when she should not have been. The last 3 weeks she was unconscious machines and tubes doing everything to keep her alive. I am sure with out the machines she wouldn't have gone though 3 weeks of hell. I would visit every day never knew if she knew I was there. Once after a visit I met a friend for a drink, he was shocked when I said I wish mom would just die. My father is in his early 90s lives with just his dog, goes out to meet friends everyday and still drives. He lives in the only house he ever known, was born there and says will die there.

 

[digitS']

I probably don't understand much about hospice care. We have trouble talking about this end of life stage so questions go unasked, information is not shared.

My mother's care during the final weeks of her life just included a daily visit by a caregiver and a weekly visit by a nurse. I'm sure that her primary care doctor was kept informed.

She died at home. The hospice nurse was new that morning and didn't find the house for sometime after my father called. Although, I don't know when he called. I was there long before the nurse and hours before Mom's passing. It was just the 3 of us. DW had finally gone out for about an hour walk in the neighborhood. My sister-in-law arrived an hour after the nurse. My brother did not show up, apparently because he had trouble with the emotions and because, as he said later, he had already "said goodbye."

Anyway, there was no call for an ambulance from Dad or the nurse on duty. No machines. All that had been agreed to about 6 months before. I thought that hospice care was simply to make the patient comfortable and all treatment was for that purpose and, certainly, not with any cure in mind. No doubt, it varies with individuals and their families and that's a good thing.

Steve

 

[Carol Dee]

Right @digitS' in our case (With both Mom and Dad) Nurses visited daily and helped the family attend them. Adjusting meds , adding oxygen to make breathing easier etc... but nothing to extend life. Both left this world peacefully in the home they shared for 58 years and 5 children. Dad was alone with Mom when she left us. All of the children where with Dad 2 1/2 years later when he joined Mom. We have nothing but HIGH Praise for the Hospice program here. Everyone was so kind, helpful and compassionate. From Nurses, to chaplain and even the guys that delivered and later picked up equipment. God Bless them.

 

[thistlebloom]

This makes me so sad. I wish I had been able to be there for my mom and dad.

 

[Nyboy]

I wish mom would have done hospice at home rather then hospital. I also wish was a closed casket at her wake. But can not say anything my sisters did all the arranging.

 

[ninnymary]

Journey, I am so sad to hear all of your struggles going on. I really have no words. Many times I have wished that I didn't work so that I could help families like yours with their struggles. I could clean your house, feed your animal, etc. to take that load off of you.

Mary

 

[Larisa]

There's something good that he argues. He seeks to use its internal resources. This means that he is fighting. Hyper custody not productive, we need a partnership, even if it is difficult.
In one of the Moscow hospice hanging instructions, written by a priest.

"A person who cares for the sick, it is important to be like a musical string. It does not produce sound on its own, but it starts to sound after the touch of a finger. It's about what the right words and actions are in the process of communication. The main thing that a sick person feel sincere sympathy. If there is compassion, we all say and do right".

 

[journey11]

It takes a lot of inner strength to let your Dad be himself, even as he changes and slowly loses what makes him be who he is. The hospital crew would have forcibly taken him and treated him, good for you for taking him home. You have had a full week, any chance of a bubble bath and glass of wine?

I'd have to be home long enough to scrub the tub first! Ha. I am definitely thinking about hiring a masseuse. And requesting an Rx anti-depressant.

DH was having word finding, confusion, headaches and it was 2 older tumors that had already been treated with radiation. They put him on steroids, which has helped with all the above. He has more energy and eating better. He just started Xalkori and seems to be no side effects yet. He had testing to see if he could do any of the targeted therapies and he has a MET amplification. I know what you are going through with the confusion and word findings problems. DH still drives and I am worried and stair climbing at his job. He still works 2 hours a day for 2 days a week. If I remember right, your dad did not do well with a steroids, right? You need to relax and breathe. I have noticed that I get more tired and stressed when DH is having the brain issues. So glad your house is safe.

He definitely needs the steroid! I keep reminding him how much it helped him before. But he has an irrational fear of physicians and pharmaceuticals. I suppose I'll have to take him to the witch-doctor instead. Your husband sounds like he is getting along pretty well then? I'm sure it means the world to him to be able to work some. My dad keeps mentioning it, but they'd cut his SSDI.

Lifting you and your family up to the Lord.

Thank you, PJN, and everybody. I sure do appreciate it and it sure does help. There's a lot still to be thankful for and God is teaching me a lot through this. I hope I come out the other side of it wiser and kinder than I was.

I am going thought the same with my dad. My father has made it very clear he wants to die at home. I can only hope he goes fast, if I find him alive but helpless I don't know if I would have the strength not to call 911. Glad your home and family safe, might be a good time to sit down and go over your home owners insurance.

Oh goodness, procrastination comes at a high price. Tomorrow I'm going to get some quotes in town. I am learning a lot about insurance this week as well. My neighbor has cheap insurance and they will not cover the damage to my house (must come out of his hide, as far as they're concerned.) They said they did not find him "at fault" for the fire, so it would not be covered. He would have had to have done something stupid or negligent to have caused it, not accidental, and it would have to be proven--yep, this made no sense to me either, but upon Googling it, I find it is not uncommon. Bad day with Dad today, so the insurance-man bore my wrath; but he got the last laugh anyway--not a thing I can do about it. My insurance would be the one to cover, but I have a high deductible (for lower premiums) and given that the damage was trivial, I'll not be turning it in.
The devil is in the details, that's for sure.

When my dad died it was unexpected. Earlier in the day and a couple of years before when he had a similar episode, he refused to go to the hospital. Looking back and all I know now, I would have called the ambulance. Once you are down, you lose rights around me if I have to take care of you and live with my inaction or actions. My dad caused untold heartache. Anybody goes down around me, you better be prepared for the ambulance ride. DH had a seizure. He did not know he had one, but in the ER, he started coming around and all he knows is he was sitting at his desk and next in ER. He was so mad at me. He would not talk to me for awhile. Once he fell on the ice, years ago. He came in the house and had snow on his back, holding his hands like on his chest. I kept asking are you alright and he would not answer. I called 911. By the time they got there, he was talking and yelling and mad. They knocked on the door and he would not let them in or let them look at him. I told him, anybody goes down around me, too bad. After what happened with my dad and also years before the ice incident with DH, he fell again on the ice. He told me he was fine and just wanted to go to bed. I found him about 5 in the morning sitting in a chair having trouble breathing. I started looking him over and he had a bruise on his back as big as a saucer and I called 911, 3 ambulances arrived. Put him on a stretcher, gave him oxygen, ended up with 5 broken ribs, a vertebra and 5 days in the hospital. He would have been better to have gone to the ER when I wanted to take him when it first happened. I really do not understand people not wanting helping. Every time I have had to go to the hospital, 3 times, 2 childbirth and last summer with pulmonary embolism, and I almost did not want to leave that last time. Almost like being on vacation. Can I get you anything, coffee, tea, water, fluff your pillow?

Yes, I cannot imagine not wanting help. And there are things yet they can do to make him more comfortable and improve his daily living. When he was diagnosed, the incident happened at work and my dad's employer took the keys to his demo and he was stranded. That's the only way I got him there because once he was in my car, I could not in good conscience have taken him home. Had he not gone, it was a matter of days or weeks...a fall or a car wreck could have done him in too. This made his 4th trip to the ER this year, so I figure I'd have to knock him out to get him to go back there again. Perhaps for women more so than men, a stay in the hospital is nearly a vacation!

We just do the best we can and the best we can think of, caring for others.

Mom was signed up for hospice and @Nyboy , it might be a good thing for you to talk to them, months/years before necessary. Mom had heart problems. She was kind of doing okay. I knew hospice was involved but wasn't sure what that meant.

Yep. It's time. I need to have some idea what to do and how this thing may play out. The uncertainty is brutal and I hope they can give me some reassurance. And some idea of how far I should intervene. My dad is quickly losing his ability to reason and understand what is going on with his condition.

Right @digitS' in our case (With both Mom and Dad) Nurses visited daily and helped the family attend them. Adjusting meds , adding oxygen to make breathing easier etc... but nothing to extend life. Both left this world peacefully in the home they shared for 58 years and 5 children. Dad was alone with Mom when she left us. All of the children where with Dad 2 1/2 years later when he joined Mom. We have nothing but HIGH Praise for the Hospice program here. Everyone was so kind, helpful and compassionate. From Nurses, to chaplain and even the guys that delivered and later picked up equipment. God Bless them.

That is a blessing! I hear nothing but good things about hospice.

This makes me so sad. I wish I had been able to be there for my mom and dad.

I can't imagine how hard that was on you to be limited by the distance. For me, even 25 minutes feels too far at times. We're all dealt a different hand and do what we can.

Journey, I am so sad to hear all of your struggles going on. I really have no words. Many times I have wished that I didn't work so that I could help families like yours with their struggles. I could clean your house, feed your animal, etc. to take that load off of you.

Mary

Thanks, Mary, I'm sure you would. I appreciate you guys letting me talk it out a little and you've all sure given me such good advice and words of wisdom.