My Dad

[Carol Dee]

I came late to this post. Sorry I did not get here sooner. I will add my prayer for you and Dad now. Yes Dad's will hide problems from the family. It would seem my Father new something was very wrong and put off the Dr. visit that confirmed he had advanced Pancreatic cancer for many months. Love him and spend lots of time with him while taking care of yourself.

 

[Collector]

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way for a speedy recovery.

 

[journey11]

Whew...I am up later than I wanted to be. I am beat from all of the running back and forth to the hospital, an hour drive from here. My dad is recovering well from his surgery, but has been having some memory lapses and confusion. A nurse called me a bit ago and asked me to call his room and talk to him, hoping it would calm him down. He forgot where he was and said he didn't know these people. He had taken off all of his monitors and got out of bed and wandered around a little. They said they'd sit with him until he fell asleep. They can't give him anything to help him sleep or relaxers because of his condition. I am so sad. He sounded scared on the phone. Sometimes he is clear as a bell and sounds like his old self, other times confused.

Tomorrow they are going to put him through the paces with physical therapy and occupational therapy and assess him mentally as well to see where he's at and what level of care he will need to go home. We don't know if these spells of confusion will be the new norm or if it's part of recovering from the surgery (swelling on the brain or whatever). My brother is going to move back in with him when he gets home. I don't know how long that will be the arrangement.

I have no idea how the future is going to unfold with this and that's the scariest part. We don't know what we're up against and we just hope that all of us pulling together (my 2 siblings and I) will be able to care for him.

As far as we can tell, my dad doesn't have a will, life insurance, power of attorney, etc. all set up. He does have very good health insurance and I know we need to get COBRA coverage to extend it. He's not eligible for Medicaid and it takes 2 years on Disability before you can get Medicare (my dad is only 60). He does have several assets (house in town, farm, campground, car, boat, tractor) and a small amount in savings that should cover his regular bills for 3 months. He has no debts to my knowledge and does own his own home. I was hoping maybe you guys that have been through this sort of thing before could give me some insight into how this might all go down. We are worried to death that we might not be able to care for him ourselves (plan is to for him to move in with me). We don't want to put him in a facility unless there is just no way that we can care for his needs ourselves.

He's not even out of the hospital yet and several family members have been at me to talk about all of this business and it is really overwhelming me. I thought surely all of that could wait until we get him home (since it does appear that he will be able to return to his own home for some period of time at least). He is mostly cognizant, especially during the day. I am hoping he will be able to make most of his own decisions about what he wants, but with everyone barking in my ear today, I am afraid of him losing his farm and all. This is so hard! I can only put one foot in front of the other right now.

 

[baymule]

I did all this with my Mom. She had a stroke in 2012 and died last year on Father's Day. I was blessed in that my sister and brother (now deceased) din not want to help and whatever I did was ok with them. There were no squabbles and I always discussed with them what was going on.

Ok, first, tell your "good intenders" family to back off. You don't need the pressure of too many noses in your Dad's business. If they get offended, tough. This is your father and it is your and your siblings business.

Next, get a will, durable power of attorney, real estate power of attorney and medical power of attorney drawn up NOW if not sooner. Get a do not resuscitate order drawn up and signed if that is your father's wish. The meanest thing you could do to him is to keep him alive long after he should have been allowed to die. It is a hard thing to do, but ask yourself if YOU would want to be kept alive artificially. My ex's grandfather was kept alive for 3 years after having a stroke. He couldn't speak, walk, or swallow. He laid in a bed at the nursing home, curled in a fetal position, trapped in a body that no longer worked. He was tube fed. He knew what was going on, because I would tell him about his cows and he would smile. It was horrible, I hated to see him suffer like that.

More later, I have to get ready to take my husband for pre-op this morning.

 

[buckabucka]

So sorry you are going through this. Sending positive thoughts your way....

 

[Carol Dee]

my heart aches for you Luckily Mom and Dad had all the necessary Papers and arrangements made. So I really have no good advice. Hang in there. And I will keep the prayers coming your way.

 

[pjn]

Prayers for Peace and Strength for you and your family as you face the challenges ahead.

 

[Smart Red]

Journey, we found that much of the confusion my husband had following his head injury was related to being in a strange place. Once he came home he returned to a much more normal emotional/cognizant state. I hope that helps. And that you find the same is true for your father.

According to the Law, your father is sane and rational for legal purposes until a Judge decrees him otherwise so there is time once he is home with you to attend to the tasks of getting his affairs in order.

You will have to deal with a few Social Welfare types and further assessments once he has left the hospital so be sure where he goes first is suitable for his situation. The whole affair is tough and one foot at a time is the best way to work at this time. Hopefully, getting him back into his familiar surroundings will allow you and yours to take a few slow breaths before attacking the next steps.

 

[Rhodie Ranch]

You can find free legal templates online, or go to Legal Zoom or Nolo Press and buy a package for little money. They will send you the downloads for the forms, specific to your state, for you and Dad to fill out. Its of utmost importance to attend to this, should he pass suddenly. You DON"T want to go thru probate.

 

[Poka_Doodle]

So sorry you are going through all of this, your family is in my prayers.