Sad situation, looking for some feedback

[retiredwith4acres]

Hoodat said it right. Let her choose. Just went through the same thing with two aunts last year and they knew exactly what they wanted. I was with both as often as possible, one with no children and the other's children lived a long way off. They chose what they wanted. One had pancreatic cancer (runs in my family) but she was lucky and didn't have to go through the pain of the end. She went to the hospital for some blood for another issue and because of vitals they kept her and we had been at the hospital only a few hours when she just went to sleep and didn't wake up. Ages 94 and 96, what more could we have asked for. Hard decisions will be ahead for you. You will ask yourself many times whether to overrule her decisions and that will have to be up to you and the family but I have always tried to do what the person wanted, even watching my father starve to death after a stroke paralyzed his esophagus. He had always told me, don't plug me up to tubes. Love and prayers your way.

 

[Kassaundra]

I'm so sorry. I agree w/ those that have already posted, don't argue about treatments or the like, let her have her dignity. Do what you can be there when you can and don't beat yourself up that it isn't enough. Me personally I visited more when my Gma (she raised me so was my mother) was more well when we both could enjoy and remember it, but less when she was bad. (Alzhiemers for my gma) If you can get things (legal especially) taken care of now it makes things much easier later. Know what she wants / doesn't want done and respect it, if she doesn't want tubes or machines then don't let "sentimentality" cause you to hook her up when she can't make those descisions, make the hard choices w/ love in mind not sentimentality (see it everyday in my work). Spend quality time, find out about her past, stories, history, she will enjoy reliving them and you may learn intersting things you never knew, that if you don't take the time to find out now you will never know.

 

[NwMtGardener]

So sad to hear, i'll be thinking about your family. I think all the advice you've gotten is great, and feel like you'll know what to do as things evolve and change. You may not feel like that NOW, but there will be people along the way to help guide you through this process. And dont forget to ask your kids for help when you need it. My mom's father passed away this winter, i was lucky enough to be able to be home to help, and felt like i was NEEDED and could be HELPFUL when my mom asked me to do something.

 

[catjac1975]

Losing a parent is the worst. So sorry. On the positive side cancer moves very slowly in the elderly. A friend of mines dad had the same and is still going more than 10 years later, living alone at 92, and managing apartment rentals. Don't make her do anything she does not want to do. If it were you would you want others deciding for you. Hope you have the best outcome.

 

[baymule]

Your mother has made her decision and you have to respect it and her. Call her daily, go see her when you can and just enjoy her. I watched my dad suffer with bone cancer, he was bedridden and in horrible pain for the last year of his life. He was happy, upbeat and cheerful. I would go see him and be happy, upbeat and cheerful-then cry all the way home.

Your mom may feel that she has lived a good life and does not want the misery that "treatment" will bring to her. There is no cure and she knows it. Go have a good time with her. Maybe she has a secret desire to do something like skydiving.....what's on her bucket list?

 

[bj taylor]

thistle, sorry for your grief. it's a hard thing. I've buried a couple of close loved ones & it's tough no matter how you look at it.

I think bringing in hospice is always a good option. especially if she wants to stay at home as long as possible. they make the dying easier for her and for those who love her.

her generation were the great generation. they are taking a huge store of knowledge with them as they pass. if I had my dad back again, I would have a recorder & have "story time" about whatever matters. that way you will have her voice, and her memories too.

there will be regrets, but talking about things that have lingered through time will help a lot when she's gone. my advice is don't hide the obvious. she knows she is dying and will want to talk about things, say things - it helps if everyone is open and honest and don't try to ignore the inevitable.

may God's grace be with you all as you go through this hard good bye.

 

[thistlebloom]

I want to thank all of you for your wise words. I am taking them all to heart.

My sister is coming from Missouri and bringing her daughter and her daughters two little ones, the only great grandchildren. My folks have not yet met the two year old, so that will be special. One of my brothers lives an hour away and is ready to help whenever needed. DH and I will be going down in June. In the meantime I intend to talk to her and send pictures by email daily. She's an avid gardener and is frustrated to not have the energy to work with her flowers, so when we go down I'll be cleaning up her garden for her.

You all are special people and your kindness makes me weep.

 

[Stubbornhillfarm]

 

[897tgigvib]

Really so sorry Thistle. I took care of both my parents as the time for their tickets to heaven arrived. It'll hurt in its own way for you. Lots of good advice in the posts.

Meantime, she's still kicking, so there are things you can do. The emailing pictures is great.

Perhaps you can make an album of photos, old and new. Maybe you can let her caption some old photos with some story. See if there is anyone from way back she has not heard from in decades she'd love to hear from. Things like that.

The stars and the universe are all expanding farther apart, but some folks always come back together.

 

[ninnymary]

Oh Thistle, this is so sad. I don't know what to say. Just have a big lump in my throat. Know that you are special to me. I will be praying for you.

Mary