Garden humor thread..
- Thread starter desertlady
- Start date
Smart Red
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I've seen that before. Still a good one! Thanks, Major.
majorcatfish
Garden Master
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y’all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr.”"
The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’"
Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North. Have ya?
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y’all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr.”"
The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’"
Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North. Have ya?
journey11
Garden Master
I guess WV is not far enough south... 
Smart Red
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Yup, but only in Wisconsin do fans retire and move closer to Green Bay.
Nyboy
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Enjoy !
..............PRICELESS!! Shown below, is an actual
letter that was sent to a bank by an 82-year-old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed
to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of
my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has
been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by
way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person..
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and
the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON
FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not
at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer is required.. Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options
1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must
also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like
being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much
to piss us off.
=
..............PRICELESS!! Shown below, is an actual
letter that was sent to a bank by an 82-year-old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed
to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of
my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has
been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by
way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person..
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and
the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON
FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not
at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer is required.. Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options
1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must
also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like
being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much
to piss us off.
=
Nyboy
Garden Master
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- Oct 2, 2010
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- 437
I once had to take my grandmother to her bank. When we walked in the door everyone who was sitting at a desk, jumped up and ran out of the room !! I wish I had a camera phone back then, would have won American funnest video !
Pulsegleaner
Garden Master
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"Fools may rush in where angels fear to tread, but they are laggards when compared to little old ladies with nothing left to lose."
Terry Prachett
Terry Prachett
Smart Red
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The same thing used to happen when (pre)DH and I were building our first home. Each time I went to the lumber yard, everyone dashed of with something important to do. The last one to reach the employee doors had to turn around, come back, and help me.
I learned a lot getting through that first house!
journey11
Garden Master
Not garden related, but this was too precious not to share... 
