Garden humor thread..

[Ridgerunner]

My New Year's Resolution. I'm not going to try to get any better, I'll try to not get much worse.

 

[baymule]

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, My husband purchased a week of personal training for me at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress
MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines..

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other c*** too.
_______________________________

THURSDAY:

B***h***was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that demon Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however,

I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...
________________________________

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

 

[Carol Dee]

 

[Carol Dee]

 

[aftermidnight]

It has been my experience men register only one quarter, if that, of what women say to them and delete the rest as not important. It's better to write them a note and pin it to their shirt.
Annette

 

[Chickie'sMomaInNH]

ah, still doesn't work in my house. if i place a post it on the remote it gets some better action from my DH, but not much. usually the 1st item on the list will get done. he thinks the list is for things to get done through out the week & not just in 1 day.

reminds me, i need to make a list of some things for him to get done tomorrow while i have to work.

 

[seedcorn]

It has been my experience men register only one quarter, if that, of what women say to them and delete the rest as not important. It's better to write them a note and pin it to their shirt.
Annette

Here is the truth. A man would ask his wife to bring the newspaper in. A wife would first have to tell us how the door was made, who installed it, who delivered the paper, history of the newspaper business, then ask for us to get it. Somewhere around story of door, we nod off.......

 

[thistlebloom]

Haha Seed, I think my husband would agree with you. Every time I get rolling on a good story-I mean explanation- of how my day went, he cuts right to the ending and just wants the bare bones facts. It leaves me with all those great details and descriptive adjectives unused.

 

[seedcorn]

@thistlebloom Tell your husband I feel his pain......

 

[so lucky]

That's just the opposite at our house. My DH is the long winded one. I can tell my life history in three sentences.