My Dad

[seedcorn]

Key phrase is: IF dying person wants to. Some people don't want to deal with the family dynamics. If they want to, they would have. It's just things. Spend your last days, laughing, sharing family stories.

@journey11 it's tough, enjoy your last days no matter what he decides. I still remember my last days with Mom. Unfortunately, Alzheimer's took my Dad before his body was ready.

 

[thistlebloom]

I agree with Seed about possessions just being stuff. I'm glad that I have a little of the "stuff" that mom and dad used and liked, although only a few small items have a genuine connection to them for me. The rest could all turn to dust for all I cared.

What I like to possess are those good memories of them. A joke, a special story they shared, a kind word. That's their legacy to me.

 

[journey11]

Key phrase is: IF dying person wants to. Some people don't want to deal with the family dynamics. If they want to, they would have. It's just things. Spend your last days, laughing, sharing family stories.

@journey11 it's tough, enjoy your last days no matter what he decides. I still remember my last days with Mom. Unfortunately, Alzheimer's took my Dad before his body was ready.

Yeah, I am not worried about the "stuff", but I've been told repeatedly that a will is needed in order to avoid getting stuck in Probate and that it was very important. Took Dad a few years to settle his father's estate. I really would have thought he'd addressed that sooner after going through it himself.

I'm trying to get him to quit worrying about needless details and enjoy these days while he is feeling well. Even if he foregoes the chemo/radiation, he will likely have at least a couple of months of feeling good. I've offered to take him out to the farm, out to my sister's farm, take drives, go fishing with the kids, etc. He was never one to take time off and relax much in life and still isn't now. He has been enjoying all of the visitors stopping by though.

 

[seedcorn]

@journey11 I get what you are saying. Everyone handles grief, last days, etc different. There is no rule book. I looked at it as training my kids how to deal with my last days.

My folks had a will, being only child, went OK. Mt DW's folks had a will, it's been a true nightmare. So even a will doesnt stop future problems.

 

[Smart Red]

As a loving daughter, you have your priorities in the right place, Journey11. It is what you do together now that will bring you the best memories in the future. Fighting over care is not what he needs from his children right now.

 

[journey11]

Depending on what path this cancer takes, I've already talked to my siblings about maybe needing to sell of some of Dad's assets to provide for his care. We are determined if at all possible, unless the medical needs are too great for us to handle, that we want to keep him out of a nursing home. He's got several smaller things we can sell easily, including some stocks, so that hopefully we won't have to sell his farm, at least while he is living. That would be devastating for him, given how hard he had to fight to get it out of his step-mother's hands (she and grandpa had been separated for nearly 10 years, but not divorced when he died.) Probably the best "therapy" for him right now is to get out on the farm and play on his tractor.

I am not sure after that what will become of the farm though. I'm afraid then it would get sold and split. I think it's sad that it was never rightly farmed by either my dad or grandpa, but since my grandpa shot himself in the driveway, I don't think I would want to live there. My sister has her own farm and my brother is not competent. I don't want to think too much on any of that off in the future stuff, but I do want to do what my Dad wants us to do. He owes no one any debt, except for his medical bills now, and he has good health insurance so he will only owe up to $4000 out-of-pocket maximum within a calendar year. (We'll be keeping COBRA in place.) I'm sure it will all work out ok, at least on Dad's end, but I do not want to let the Gooberment get their filthy hands on what my dad has worked so hard for all his life. I've heard they will take up to 10% for "administrative" costs.

I'm a thinker and a planner and I am very frugal and responsible with my own money, so it is not in my nature to let Dad's business fall to chance or neglect.

 

[ninnymary]

You have a very good head on your shoulders and are doing the right thing by thinking/planning ahead. You also have a big heart. I know you will spend his last days loving him and caring for him. He did a great job as a father to have raised a daughter like you. Can you take a family vacation and all of you go to his farm for a few days?

Mary

 

[journey11]

My sister and I are planning to take him out to her farm for some "weenie campin'" (bonfire, hotdogs, s'mores, etc.) when it hits the 70's next week. He's been so busy, he's never even been out to her farm and they've owned it for 2 years now...only one county over! He owns a small parcel, a campground site, in Greenbrier Co., WV, but has never stayed there.

Other than a couple of fishing trips and one free cruise that he absolutely hated, my dad has never taken a proper vacation.

He says he is really enjoying all the home cooked dinners we've been bringing him each day, says he feels spoiled. He's always liked southern food and country cooking, but bacheloring it on his own he didn't eat very well. Hoping to get a few more pounds on him. He's too skinny!

 

[ninnymary]

That's great. Maybe once you're sitting out in the open, you will be able to discuss some more things. The environment should hopefully be conducive for that.

Mary

 

[thistlebloom]

I hope your dad appreciates what a great family he has, and what a blessing it is for him to have you taking care of things for him.