My Dad

[journey11]

I haven't been in your shoes Journey, so my advice is only this, if you can get your siblings to do even the most basic things to help, by all means let them. I don't mean that as though you are wanting to do everything yourself, but I know how things worked when we were trying to straighten out my parents affairs.

My older sister seems much like you, very organized, and in her case she is a "fixer".
She handled just about everything even though I told her to give some of that responsibility to me for phone calls etc.
It was a little more difficult in our case because we are all so geographically scattered and she had all the records for everything.

Maybe you could only pick up the phone for important calls from doctors, and ask your sister to call back all the other concerned friends.

I've had to rely pretty heavily on my brother. Most of the time he comes through. He is able to handle a lot of the household needs that I cannot and would have to get my DH or BIL to do otherwise. He and Dad fight a lot though. He is mouthy and hyper at times (drugs/alcohol) and Dad has little patience for him or his girlfriend. They've had several knock-down-drag-outs even since this happened, but my brother has been faithful to return the next day. I do think he is trying to step up and do the right thing. His girlfriend is pregnant, so she has him at her beck and call too. It has been pretty stressful for him too.

My sister has helped alternating with me to bring Dad meals. She has her hands full with her baby, so that is about all I can expect from her right now. She has been one of the relatives wearing me out--asking me 50 questions night after night as I dragged myself back from the hospital all tired. She keeps sending me all these videos on alternative therapies and such and asking me repeatedly if I'd had time to watch them yet and what I thought.

All other extended relatives have called and texted me constantly, since they expect I am the one in the know. My dad has a lot of relatives and friends! I turn off the notifications on my phone sometimes when I get tired of it dinging all the time. It has slowed down a lot since he got out of the hospital at least.

My mom and my dad are divorced, but get along on good terms. My mom lives just down the road and can come help in a pinch if I need her to. I live a half-hour from town, so that has made things a lot harder. There is no such thing as a quick trip to check on him or bring dinner. Plus the hassle of dragging the kids along or finding a babysitter (and getting stuck visiting when I come to pick them up.) Such is life right now. I am trying really hard not to complain, but I know all that sure sounds like it!

I just wish I had given everyone my sister's phone number in the first place. She uses Facebook while I do not and most of the relatives are on there. She has sent out a few posts, but still they call me for the details.

 

[Gardening with Rabbits]

I homeschool too, but he is in the 11th grade now. In May was when DH was diagnosed, so we were right at the end finishing, but we use Abeka and seen grades in for the report card, so more stress if we are late. This year has been hard with all the doctor visits, but we are making it. The Medicaid covers DH and DS who is 16. DD is signed up now and I hope she does not have a penalty for no insurance for 2 months. I may be able to get insurance in April if they decide I had a hardship. I am going to talk to the insurance company where DH had insurance through his job. Even if I can get it, it is going to be so expensive. I know what you mean about the chores and have a schedule. I am just now getting back to that. I hope your dad handles radiation well. I have read where other people had side effects that finally fade away mostly.

 

[ninnymary]

All I can say is that you need to give updates to everyone on facebook. This way you are only writing or saying things once and everyone can see it. You will have to decide whether it's you or your sister. Since it seems that people want to hear updates from you maybe you have to be the one. Once you are set up it will be much easier just writing something at the end of the day instead of talking or texting to a lot of people. Something to think about.

Mary

 

[journey11]

@Gardening with Rabbits , I thought maybe you did homeschool, but I couldn't remember. High school is certainly more intensive than 3rd grade. At least they can read well and be responsible for doing their own assignments as they get older. Ava is taking over more now in certain subjects. That helps.

@ninnymary , I'm afraid you are right! I did have a facebook years ago, but deleted it when I tired of the drama. I made another later, but never gave it out to anyone. Just use it to keep up with 4-H announcements and a local buy-sell-trade chicken group. I hate to use it for talking to relatives (ha), but it would be useful for keeping people in the loop. Or maybe I can just forward a message through my sister's fb.

 

[thistlebloom]

I know how easy it is to advise from afar, not knowing all the family dynamics, but I can see you are wearing yourself down to a shadow.
Maybe you should level with your mom and your sister and ask them to step up a little more and help take the strain off of you. It isn't possible for you to keep up this pace for the long haul. There must be some way to spread the load.

I think Marys idea is a good one. Either Facebook or email would be the best way to communicate with everyone. Or maybe a church friend can help set up a phone tree to get any important news out without having to eat into any little spare time you may have to spend with your husband and kids.

I hope somebody will find a way to give you some real help soon.

I see you've posted while I was typing this.

 

[journey11]

I do have a tendency to hold onto things and not delegate like I should. When the church ladies volunteered to cook dinner for Dad, I was more than happy to let them have at it by that point. I've felt really drained, emotionally and physically, the past two days since the 3 doctor's appointments in one day. I've stayed home both days and been a complete vegetable! I did a little laundry, school, cooked dinner, thought about doing my taxes...but that's about it. I am sure I'll get my steam back tomorrow since I took it easy for a bit. I am going to have to count on the others to help get Dad back and forth to all of those radiation appointments though. Maybe make up a schedule to take turns. M-F for 6 weeks, 40 minutes both ways from Dad's house, plus my own 30 minute drive into town and then back. I am a home-body by nature, happy to stay home for weeks on end if I could get away with it. This has really made me have to adapt. I feel like I have a full-time job again.

 

[thistlebloom]

Start delegating girl! That's a very good idea, signing his friends up to shuttle him to his radiation appointments.

 

[digitS']

The hospital may have ..

. a van service.

There is likely to be a social worker at the chemo center to talk to about transportation, etc.

Steve

 

[buckabucka]

When my friend had leukemia, he started a blog, and gave updates that way. It was a good way to keep everyone informed (without a million emails or FB drama!).

Thankfully, he has been cancer-free for a few years now, so the blog posts dwindled off.

 

[Rhodie Ranch]

I have a cyber friend in SC who had a baby 10 weeks early. Finn struggled and such for four months. (He just came home two weeks ago) She would post updates on FB about every three days and then about 4 days or so. There were hundreds of comments over time, which she may have not even read. The point was everyone in her sphere of friendship, both local and cyber, got our updates and prognosis and such. She didn't have to reply, as she focused on working with the hospital to save her boy. I think that FB is great for such things.

Now she posts every 7 - 10 days, giving updates on Finn and how well or not he is doing. Again, she's not inundated with separate avenues of communications. She specifically asked for no phone calls or texts - that folks should stay true to FB where she was true to her updates.